The Problem With Dating a Drop-Out

High School Diary Chronicles

Summary:  Apparently I put these two letters in my diary that my then-boyfriend, Steven,  wrote to me, who was an ex gang member.  As you can see, his mentality hadn’t changed much as a drop-out.  All I can say now, is love is blind.

December 4, 1995

Dear Diary,

When my dad came and got me after I performed in the parade, I asked him if I could go to Steven’s for a little while. He said yes, if he could talk to his mom again, and he did when we got home.  I got to Steven’s house like at 3:45. My dad was planning on picking me up at 5:00 so it sucked because we didn’t have too much time to hang out.

So when I got there, Steven invited me in, and we went to his room. I asked him for my letter. He didn’t want to give me the letter because he said that it was bad. I said I didn’t care. We were just talking, and he got up to show me something, and I just got up and went to him, and we hugged and kissed, and I told him I missed him. He said it back–I think–I wasn’t paying attention. I finally got him to give me the letter he wrote. While I was reading it, he grabbed it away from me and said he changed his mind, but I got it back from him. As I read it, he was just holding me. I think he was afraid I was going to be really pissed at him. I wasn’t really, just a little upset. The first letter said:

11-24-95

Hello Babe,

How are you? Me okay, so what? I’m not in a great mood, as you now. That’s why I’m writing to say that I’m very sorry for being an asshole to you on the phone today. I just have a lot on my mind and it really didn’t help when I found out that that guy has been bugging you. I have to say this before I tell you how I found out. Remember I told you I have someone keeping an eye on you? I wasn’t lying. I was kicking it with him last night and we talked a lot, and he told me that’s all he knows. I’m not trying to be jealous, I just want to know if you’re having any problems. And I love you. I’d never dream of hurting you or you getting hurt because of me, and when you wouldn’t give me his number, it was like you were protecting him. That really hurt me. If I was not so much in love with you and didn’t care for your feelings, I’d just do it my way and go to see him, and you know what I’ll do to him. But I was going to try it the nice way and just tell him the most nicest way I could and warn him over the phone. But you promised if he does it again you’ll tell me his number.  But if you don’t tell me and I find out from friends, I will do it my way. And I don’t want to because you’ll be mad at me, and I don’t like hurting people.  But I don’t like people fucking with you because they’re not fucking with you, they’re fucking with me, and I’m not someone to fuck with because I don’t have much of a life. I will do whatever I have to, to make sure that you don’t have problems, even if it means my life or going to jail, because right now you’re my life, so I won’t let anything happen to you. If you don’t understand, in a nutshell just tell me. Because I’ll do whatever it takes to keep you happy. OK? If you still don’t understand, please ask. Well I’ll change the subject. I had a lot of fun on Wednesday. I wished it didn’t end. I hope we can spend more time together. Well I’m going to bed so I can have some more good dreams about you. That’s all I can do is think about you all day and night.

Love you 4-ever

Steven

(Here’s the second letter)

11-28-95

Hello. So how are you? Me OK just kicking it waiting for your letter. So I hope you’re having fun at Melissa’s. Oh, I’m mad at you because it’s almost too late for you to call and you haven’t. Well to change the subject. I sent the letter so AHAHA. Well that’s all except if Melissa’s boyfriend tries to say any shit about me and I find out, I will kill him. Not just beat him–kill him. So don’t try to stop me. It’s just a warning. But I’m not trying to get you mad at me. I’ll let you go. I love you 4-ever. I love you more than you love me. (Maybe the same.)

Steven XOXOXOXOXOXOXO